Today is my official due date. What a crazy three weeks this has been.
I learned that I finally know HOW to have a baby. After all those labor and deliveries I finally had figured out how to control the pain, how to relax my body, how to breathe, and how to work with nature to make it an enjoyable experience.
I learned that birth plans don't always go the way the mother plans.
I learned that there are amazing doctors out there, even more amazing nurses, and blood donors that I owe my life to - literally.
I learned that even big girls need their mom and dad.
I learned that there is a huge difference between being brave so you don't cry and being strong while crying.
I learned that grieving for the loss of gift of bearing children is perfectly normal. I also learned that there will be many, many things that will remind me of that gift. I learned that I need to accept that this will not be an easy road. And finally I learned that I am not traveling that road alone thanks to my family and friends.
I learned that the best gifts come in 12 year old, 10 year old, almost 9 year old, 7 year old, 5 year old, 2 1/2 year old, and 3 week old packages. I learned that God gave each one just to me for this moment.
I learned that this is not the beginning of the end, but instead the end of the beginning of our family. What we become after this greatly depends on my outlook and response to the gift of life. My attitude, my emotions, my outlook will make or break this family if I let it. God help me to make this family - not break it.
I learned that family and friends who pray are worth double their weight in gold, maybe even triple.
I learned that I am treasured for who I am, not for who I think I need to be. I learned that I would be missed more than I ever realized. I learned that seeing me alive makes people cry. It is hard to wrap my mind around what they would have felt if I had died?
I learned that having a near-death experience results in many new Facebook friends. Next time I think maybe I'll just start a "Karen Wants to Add More Friends" campaign and avoid the massive scaring of everyone part.
I learned that annoying, little (but taller) brothers do love me in their own, unique way. I learned that a toast is an effective way to pray for me. "May she live to torment us another 70 years."
I learned that Darren does cry. I learned that he is the strongest, sweetest man. He ranks way up high on the list with my dad for "Living Through Stressful Experiences and Coming Out of it a Better Man."
I learned that my ankles are super skinny. No wonder my sister calls me "Chicken Legs."
I learned that babies smell good all the time, sound wonderful even when they cry, and every second of cuddling is precious in my sight.
I learned that I am Superwoman and I am not Superwoman. The key to being Superwoman is knowing when to be SUPER and when to be just a WOMAN.
I learned that dirty clothes, hungry tummies, growing kids, the seasons turning, and life as usual do not stop just because Mom spends a bunch of extra days in the hospital. I learned that good friends and the occasional stranger help to fill hungry tummies. I learned that family helps to clean dirty clothes and houses. I learned that kids never stop growing and learning even when Mom is not there to nurture them.
I learned that God loves me. I learned that God is in control. I learned that God has a purpose for me. The obvious one is raising my children, loving my husband, and getting to heaven. I can't help but wonder if there is a not-so-obvious one that He has not revealed to me yet.
I learned that nights are the hardest. The quiet is too quiet. The pain is too raw. The fear still rears its ugly head.
I learned that two of the sweetest, most perfect baby girls do more to save me from the quiet, the pain, and the fear than anything else. God is so wonderful to have given me double the love!!
I am still learning that every day is a new day and a new chance to heal. I am learning that I will not be healed overnight and that maybe I don't want to be. I am learning that this experience is changing me from what I was into who I am. I am learning that I will NOT let it control me, ruin me, or discourage me.
I am learning that giving up is not an option, no matter how tired or emotional I feel.
I am learning that I will be just fine thanks to the support and love of those in my life. Thanks.
