Gratitude

Today I was drawn to my copy of Small Steps for Catholic Moms for the first time since February.  It was right about the time I started throwing up that the book got set aside.  I saw it on my shelf today and opened it up to the November section on gratitude.  Though today is the 9th, the page I found myself on was November 8th.  Sometimes God sends messages through sweet people like Elizabeth Foss and Danielle Bean.  When God works though those two - it is worth a blog post.

Taken from the book - November 8th

Think

"Nothing can bring greater happiness than doing God's will for the love of God." Blessed Miguel Pro

Pray

Remind me, Lord, that your will for me is not in opposition to my own happiness, but is actually the path to my own happiness.  Make me grateful for the crosses you send my way.

Act

Embrace your crosses.  Pick something that annoys you - even something small - and give it to God.  Attach new meaning to it as an offering of thanksgiving for one of your many blessings.

My cross today.

Empty boxes.

An intense reminder that I will bear no more children.  

Why?  Those boxes held all the little boy clothes from Newborn to 18 months.  Today's cross was to go through all those clothes knowing there will be no more little boys born in our family. 

I can hear you say that they are just clothes.  Clothes that remind me of big 12 year olds that were little once and wore those adorable Carhartt overalls.  There was that one outfit I bought for Cormac right after he was born.  I was shopping with Mauri and the Fameree's that day.  A great memory.  Of course there was that worn out shirt that was everyone's favorite and yet it managed to make it through all those boys. 

I ACTED today by going through all those totes.  It was very annoying because I didn't want to accept that it was really over.  I can't honestly hold on to all those clothes in the hopes that God will send us more children somehow.  How fitting that I should read THAT page this morning.  Give it to God it said.  Attach new meaning it said.  ACT.

I gave it to God - every one of those memories.  Then I divided the nicest Newborn through 6 months clothes into two piles for new, young mothers expecting boys this winter.  I divided the 9-18 month clothes between two friends here in Fargo.  I am giving the clothes to new boys and their mommies and kept the memories close to my heart.  Those memories are what I am thankful for.  Five wonderful boys are some of my greatest blessings.

I PRAYED tonight for the wisdom to see that this is my path to happiness.  Clothes will never make me happy, but all those cherished memories will.  A very wise woman told me not long after I came home from the hospital that Darren and I could say we followed God's will all the way to the end.  We had five boys, three girls, two miscarriages, and one ectopic pregnancy in under 13 years.  We were always open to life.  We were always willing to accept the children God sent us.  That chapter of my life is closed and not by my choice.  Now we move on to a new chapter, but still will follow God's will for love of God.  I expect my happiness will continue to increase as my blessings from God also increase.

Darren made a very good point to me this week.  You see, sometimes I still cry at night.  Sometimes I still don't feel whole - like something is missing.  Sometimes I don't want to pray because those nights it is hard to thank God.  Darren said that I attached my spiritual life to my vocation of being a mother having lots of babies.  He thought that since I am no long able to bear children it makes sense that part of my spiritual life has been lost too.  I need to refocus that "missing" part of my spiritual life in a new direction.  He thought that a good place would be helping others more.  The day after he told me that, I made a meal for one of Darren's co-workers and his family.  His wife is very sick with morning sickness - which you all know I can relate to quite easily.  That simple meal helped heal me.  I felt like the hole in my spiritual life was starting to fill in.  Even though I can't have another baby, I can help those who are having babies.  That sounds like a wonderful consolation prize. Blessings and happiness for others.  Blessings and happiness for me.

Today I ACTED and I PRAYED and was blessed.  I can only imagine the mess I would be tonight had I not picked up that book, turned to that page, and let God heal me.  I will never stop being amazed at how much He loves me.