How do the Wombless Bear Life?

Two hundred days since my old life came crashing down.  Two hundred days since an amazing team took out some pieces and put me back together again.  Two hundred days since I started my new life, wombless. (Yes, I know that is not a real word.)


Womb: n. 1. uterus 2. a place where something is generated

-less: adj. suffix 1. destitute of : not having (childless)  2. unable to be acted on or to act (in a specified way) (dauntless)

I was told I had undergone a hysterectomy as soon as I woke up in ICU.  I remember thinking something must have gone WAY wrong for that to happen.  I briefly touched the idea that I had no uterus and there would be no more babies.  Fast forward to a few days later and you would find me telling people I had a hysterectomy, but I was going to be fine.  Little voice in the back of my head screamed "No more babies."  Fast forward a few more days and you would find me crying my eyes out because for the first time I actually said "No more babies."  Anyone who knows me knows that is probably one of the hardest things I've ever said.  Had Darren and I made the decision to stop having children it would have been "No more babies," but with an accepted tone.  This was a more defeated tone, a more harsh reality tone, a more painful tone. I have not completely healed from that pain, but I have completely accepted it as reality.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago.  A random thought fills my soul, "You are wombless."  A uterus is a body part to me.  No different than a liver, a lung, a spine.  It is a part of what made me a woman.  It is just "medical" in my mind.  A womb is so much more.  It is like my loving heart or my everlasting soul.  It was me.  It was the place where my children were sheltered and lovingly carried for months. When I realized I have lost my womb I felt like a part of me was ripped out and crushed.

bear vb bore; borne also born; bearing: 1. carry 2. to be equipped with 3. to give as testimony <~witness to the fact of the case> 4. to give birth to; also produce, yield 5. endure, sustain <~pain> <bore the weight on piles>; also to exert pressure or influence 6. to go in an indicated direction <~to the right> - bearable adj - bearer n

How does the wombless bear life?  I realized that while my ability to carry a baby in my womb has been taken from me, the very best part of bearing life was left in tact.  The ability to bear the joy and sorrow of life in my heart is still very much there.

Every day I bear the load of motherhood.  I change the diapers (times two now), I cook the meals, do the laundry, and every other normal aspect of motherhood.  I carry out the responsibilities given to me when God gave me eight sweet children and a husband.  I feel like I am continuously bearing the pains of life when the children make it their duty to inform me exactly how many times I have failed in a day.  I am bearing the weight of those same children's struggles when I cannot find a way to help them. I bear life from morning to night to morning again and again.

I cannot help but wonder if God's gift to me was a hysterectomy.  Aside from the "you've almost died three times from pregnancy related problems" fact of my life, I am beginning to see this as a good thing.  How many willing mothers of large families continue to have babies even after their oldest has moved out?  How many of those same mothers have spent years changing diapers, possibly teaching their children, making thousands of meals, only to realize that they have missed out on key times in their older children's lives.  God has handed me those opportunities on a silver platter.  I have been given this gift in order to not miss out on my older children's final years under my care.

I am blessed.  I am very blessed.  God has given me another chance at life AND the knowledge of my value at this moment.  Bearing life has taken on a whole new meaning, a whole new importance to me.  I have been thrown into the next phase of life earlier than I expect, but at the same time I have been given this precious time in a way I would not have had in other circumstances.  This has been one of those "Ahh, yes," moments for me.  The only thing I can say to God is simply "Thank You."