Fourteen Year Run

Fourteen years ago we bought a crib.

One week ago it came down for good for the first time.

It has only been taken down to move to a new room or new house. 

It has always had a child in it.

I cried.

All my babies have slept in this bed.

There are no more babies.

I knew this day was coming, but it wasn't any easier than when I gave away my maternity clothes or all the baby clothes.  This actually felt a little worse.  I didn't realize how hard it was to let go of the crib being set up.  I didn't want it to be taken apart.  If I ignored that job then the crib could stay up and I wouldn't have to face the end.  The last piece of baby furniture in house.  The last sign of babies that have grown up into toddlers and teenagers.

An unexpected thing happened - where I thought I would be broken, I was healed.

After it was taken down and stacked in a corner of the garage, I had the chance to see what replaced that crib I had been holding on to.  We moved the kitchen set in the corner and made room for the little table for the twins.  Then I watched as the little girls laughed and smiled, ran around in excited skips and hops, and showed such happiness over having a new area in their room to play.  

I guess when the kids grow up the mommy has to grow with them.  I can't keep them babies forever or even under my roof forever. (I just might be the mom who tries though!)  I realized I literally can't hold on to the things of the past because it prevents me from living in the present.

This week has been just fine.  I haven't bawled my eyes out every night.  I showed myself that I am stronger than I think I am.  This is no promise that I won't cry like a baby when Blase moves out. 

Goals - 

 1. Intentional living in the present.

2. That occasional 'cause it feels good to make the pillow wet cry because no matter how many times I go through this letting go process - I still wonder why it had to be over so unexpectedly.  I still wonder how many more babies we would have had.  I still cry sometimes.

3. Thank God every day for my kids, for the new babies in other families, and for moments to grow closer to Him through my own small, pathetic attempts at suffering.