Never Judge a Momma Without Getting to Know Her

You have all heard the "Never judge a book by its cover," saying.  If you just look at the outside or just read the description you miss the best parts of the book.  You miss the beginning of the story, the middle where all the juicy details are, and the end where you either laugh or cry.  Now if you aren't pleased by the end of the book, then by all means tell the next person not to waste their time.

I've meet women I've clicked with right away.  The minute I met them it was instant friendship.  We had so much in common that it was easy to get along.  The more like me a person is though, the less likely we are to click right away.

Then there are the women that the moment you see them or talk to them you judge them too frustrating for you.  Those are the kind where you think you don't need that kind of drama so you just pass them by.  You might also judge a woman because you will never be anywhere as awesome as she is or as popular as she is or a million other excuses you come up with for avoiding getting to know her.  This is the same as judging a book by its cover.  We all put on faces for public and it is hard to know a person after only one chance meeting.

I'm going to tell you about two times I have judged a momma without getting to know her and regretted it.

Meet my friend, Karla.  Hi, Karla!!  Karla is one of those ladies I judged right away.  Our story goes like this.....the first night I met the homeschooling mothers up here in Fargo that I associate with she was there.  She must have been having an off day.  We all have them.  No matter what I said she had something somewhat negative to say back.  I felt very welcomed by everyone, but Karla.  I went home that night confused.  Normally people like me...normally, unless they are related to me and actually KNOW me.  Ha ha ;-)  The next day I called my mom and told her about my meeting with Karla.  It bothered me.  What had I done to her to make her be so negative.  I hadn't even met her before.  I happened upon a saint quote about how if someone treats you ill you should return that with more kindness as they are probably in need of it.  I wish I still had the quote.  For all I know it said, "Smile at those you meet," and I just read into it.  I do that sometimes.  I was determined I was going to be the nicest person I could be to her, no matter what she said back to me.  Sometimes we all need a little more kindness in our lives.  I know there are days where I need just that little extra kind word or smile.

I was super nice to Karla that next time....and wouldn't you know it...she was an amazing person.  The more I knew about her the more I understood that, yah she could have been having an off day and I shouldn't have taken it personally.  Let me tell you about Karla.  She is part of "The Tribe" here in Fargo.  There are a group of us ladies that get together often.  We stay out all hours talking and healing and learning, crying and laughing and listening.  This tribe has been there for me like no other.  I have never had a support system like this.  Karla has been a crucial part of my healing process from the twins' birth.  She was one of my doulas.  She held my babies while I fought for my life.  She stayed there (Jessica, too) so my babies wouldn't be alone at the very beginning.  She was my strength when I was getting ready to push.  Jessica held my hand and coached me, but Karla was the one who looked me in the eyes.  Even before the twins' birth I dreamed that as long as Karla was there I was going to be alright.  Even in my dreams she calmed me down saying, "You can do this."  Karla is the type of friend who does not see limitations in others, only in herself.  We in turn do not see limitations in her.  We see strong women in each other.  It is always nice to have someone like that urging you on.  Karla is one of my friends who talked me through my pain and loss.  She worried for me.  She is a great, great friend of mine.  I have few great, great friends - but she is one of them.  Karla is a homeschooling mom of nine kids.  My kids have the bestest time with her kids.  Especially Brech Earl and Gianna who have "friends at mommy's friend's house."

Had I continued to judge that momma without getting to know her I would not be the woman I am today.  I would not have the support group I have today.  She has my back and I have hers.  Beautiful friendship.

Now, please, meet Becca.  She does not know I am blogging about her.  Here's hoping I still see her name on my Facebook friends list.  Hi, Becca!  Becca and her family attend the church we attended while living in Michigan.  I had seen her many, many Sundays, but never talked to her.  Her family sat in the front row and we sat in the back.  Her husband brought their adorable, but feisty son to the back and I always had my feisty kid in the back.  In fact, one Sunday I remember giving their son a holy card of St. Cecilia or some other saint to play with during Mass.  That is the most contact I had with them.  Becca's first girls were twins.  Right off the bat I knew I would never be able to compare myself to her.  She was already amazing and untouchable in my book.  I think at that point they only had four of their children and were expecting their fifth.  Her girls were polite, even if that adorable, feisty boy was a handful.  She seemed like a good person, but yet I judged myself to the point that I would never be good enough to be her friend.  What we would have in common anyway?  She had mostly girls and I had all boys.  She grow up with the people in the parish so she knew everyone and I was a transplant knowing only a few.  She never seemed frazzled and I had just gone through postpartum depression and frazzled was an understatement.  She would go her way and I would stay out of the way.  I doubted she even knew who I was.

Here's a funny side story.  I have kind of kept up with Becca because her cousin married wait, wait...this will get confusing so I'm going to type it out in a list....

My sister, Mauri, married Peter.
My brother, John married Maria.
Peter and Maria are brother and sister.
Peter and Maria's brother Joseph married Monica
Monica is Becca's cousin.
Clear as mud, right?
Now if you want to add a bit more mud to the mix - when I was a nanny in Maryland I met Monica and Becca's cousins from PA at the church I went to and was friends with them.  I tell ya - this is a small world.
(BTW - my sister, Juliana, is dating Peter and Maria's brother, Stephen.  Keep him in your prayers.  He just left for basic training.  I am sure Juliana and Stephen's family will miss him.)

Ok, back to Becca.  So anyway, I keep up with Becca through posts on Facebook from Monica and her PA cousins who I am friends with.  I knew she had had more kids and how things in general were going.  Not too long after I found out I was expecting twins, she found out she was expecting twins.  My first thought, seriously, was "Sure, now I will NEVER be good enough for her.  She has two sets of twins and I only have one."  It is sad how we feel like that when there is no reason to be like that.

After the twins were born she read my blog post story about the delivery.  If I were in her shoes I would have been freaked out.  She was still having to go through that.  She sent me a message and I'm not sure exactly how, but we ended up being added as friends on Facebook.  Did she add me?  Did I add her?  Those weeks are still a blur to me.

So guess what?  She's normal.  (I won't list how normal just trust me on this.)  She does the same things I do.  She eats, drinks and is merry, like I am.  She watches Doctor Who.  Seriously - Karla would instantly be your friend, Becca.  Just sayin' 'cause that's how amazing you are.  Becca has eight kids that she homeschools.  Becca cooks, cleans, reads her kids book after book.  Becca and I share some if not most of the same homeschool philosophies.  She watches Doctor Who.  (Yes, I know I mentioned that already, but it is that good I have to mention it again.)  She watches most of the same shows I do.  What it boils down to - Becca and I have a lot in common.  Even my sister said that Becca and I are a lot alike.

I regret judging that momma without getting to know her.  I imagine all the help she could have given me when I was expecting the twins.  I wish I could have all those years back that my stubborn pride or lack of kindness prevented me from talking to her.  I think her and I could have been good, good friends in person - yet now I must be satisfied with only an online friendship.

The moral of this post is that I judge mommas without getting to know them.  Don't make the same mistake.  Step outside of your comfort zone or practice a bit more kindness and you may be rewarded with a friend that would go the distance for you.  A friend that would help you, care about you, worry about you, strengthen you with their prayers, and be there for you when you need them.  Those types of friends are worth their weight in gold.

I will point out that I am labeling this post "worthless to most post" only because that is where I put the posts where I babble on and I feel that it was more for me to get off my mind than for anyone else's benefit.  Karla and Becca are far from "worthless to most" and I wouldn't want that to be misunderstood.  I've been told that my "worthless to most post" posts are usually some of my best ones. Maybe, maybe not.