Beep, Beep

It's late at night, just after 11 PM. I've had a bad day. I feel like crap. I am feeling sorry for myself. I can't seem to shut down my mind and yet I'm exhausted. Too many thoughts, too little me to process them. Will the day ever end? Will tomorrow be better?

BEEP, BEEP

I hear it in the distance. It's like a beacon in a storm. It calls out once and yet it lingers.

I'm sure you are wondering what went beep, beep. Its a watch. It has no band to keep it on my wrist. It doesn't technically belong to me, but its mine. It beeps every hour, 10 minutes after the hour according to my other clocks. Sometimes I hear it, sometimes I don't.

The watch belonged to Mark. It was in his pocket when he died. It beeped every hour in his pocket all night long. No one heard it, no one. I was given the watch and his wallet and most of the things that were on him when he died. So I suppose its mine now.

What does a person do with a watch you can't wear? I placed it on my desk, where it has been for two years now. At the suggestion of my mother, every time I hear the beep, beep I say a Hail Mary for Mark. I spend a LOT of time at my desk or at least in the school room. You'd think I'd hear it often, but I don't. When he first died I heard the watch every hour all day long. The pain was raw, it was so new. I needed something to help me get through the day without driving myself mad. The watch was just what I needed. Those Hail Marys were medicine to my wounds.

Why don't I carry the watch in my pocket? Now, two years later, I only hear the watch maybe once or twice a day. It doesn't even bother me I don't hear it or carry it because life is happening. Dirty diapers, loads of laundry, dishes and of course boys everywhere. I don't want to hurry through a Hail Mary while changing those diapers or washing the dishes. I want to hear the beeps when its time. When life has calmed and quieted, when I'm not being hurried.

Last night I heard the beeps. I calmed and I relaxed and everything seemed so much better. I said a Hail Mary and it was medicine for my wounds. I smiled and tried to sleep again. It must have worked.

Now its almost 10 AM and I haven't heard the beeps again. Life...sure does get busy at times. That's good...I won't have time to dwell on the fact that two years ago today was the last time I saw Mark's body. I can relive that day like it was yesterday, but I choose not to. I choose to live today, the dirty diapers, the dishes and all the boys everywhere. The watch reminds me I choose to live today, without forgetting the past. Thanks Mom for the watch, for the Hail Mary idea and for Mark.