First First

1 first adj : preceding all others as in time, order or importance

2 first n : 1 : number one in a countable series 2 : something that is first

First.

First bike
First car
First date
First kiss
First baby
First house
First anniversary

Who doesn't keep track of firsts? Who doesn't do something special on your first anniversary or First Holy Communion? How about your first successful batch of cookies when you are a kid? We always make a big deal out of our children's first birthday. We live in a world that honors firsts as accomplishments.

There are ugly firsts as well. First death in your immediate family (which for me was my brother Blase when I was five). First anniversary of the loved ones birthday without them. Christmas...first year of their death. When Mark died I know my family, myself included, kept track of firsts. He died in August, so right away a month later we had our first birth in the family (Brech's) and then my family started school without him, then Thanksgiving and his birthday the first part of December. Then came the first Christmas. The first sod season without him in a tractor or on the harvester. Our first family picture without him. And so on.

I have kept track of firsts in regards to Mark's death. Important times - like the first anniversary of his death, the first visit to his grave after he was buried. I also kept track of the silly things - the first time I didn't make it up to his grave when I was in South Dakota and other comparable times.

I just realized three nights ago that I missed a first last November. The first trip to South Dakota since I have been pregnant again. Silly I know, but just keep reading. You might be thinking - how odd to even worry about the first time returning to South Dakota after being pregnant again. Well, honestly it is odd. I battled with becoming pregnant again because I had myself worried that something was going to happen again this pregnancy. I was eight months pregnant with Brech when Mark died. He was suppose to be the Godfather. Travelling all the way home and mentally, spiritually and physically being there for my family was hard at times. I know people were worried about the baby and me, but I was more worried about them. Now does it make more sense why I would consider being back in South Dakota with another pregnancy as being a first?

It is a first first. I missed a first. I didn't even think about it until lately. What does that say? To me that says one thing:

Maturity

I have matured. I have worked past the firsts. I have moved on and little silly things don't seem so important or so big. This is a point that everyone needs to come to. This truly feels like the final step in grieving. Its taken me this long to get to the point where a first doesn't make me cry, but instead makes me smile. A first first! When I realized it I smiled. YES - SMILED!!!

I cannot credit myself with this maturity. It is a precious gift given to me by God, delivered to me when I needed it. Our Lady has never failed to hold me when I was downhearted. My angel has always been there to direct me away from worthless worry. All of those have gotten me to this point of maturity. What a beautiful and calming realization - God is in control, God has never left me to my own feeble attempts at finding peace in my heart and God will continue to mature me one problem, one step, one first at a time.